Finding ways to torture me with such conflicting emotions so much so that I'm unable to function properly. You know how there are those days where you wake up but something is just off... and it's an is unsettling feeling. But you shake it off, thinking: hey! it'll go away! But no. It turns out to be that constant collision course that drives you insane yet, at the end of the day, you can't say much cause any attempts at trying to make sense of it just seems bloody useless.

Well,
That's what the past 3 weeks have been for me...
Day in, day out.
So much as happened & it's got my thinking on over-drive.

I'm truly exhausted. 

It's the constant strains of what I've been thinking about... the numerous unanswered questions, the talk that flies around, those pangs of uselessness that drives its fist straight through my gut.

The university question, the looming examinations, the company, the gossips, the crushing of my ambitions & the future. They are like flies that refuse to leave me be and on top of it all... you. You have become one of those things that buzz round my thoughts constantly and though I curse you for doing so, I can't help but hate myself for caring in the first place. It's like my heart is determined to make life difficult for me... I guess, it's now that the real test of endurance really begins.

On a less cryptic note,

Been having horrible recurring headaches and stomach upsets. I don't feel half as alive and I did just a week ago. And that's ironic seeing how I was a hell lot more active during the exams.. I spent majority of my day trying to remain on task but failing. I've got two essays to complete and I really need to get the work done. Perhaps immersing myself into the dreary dungeons of 'studying' will keep my mind off everything else right now.

I am also missing the TSD madness. The constant makeup sessions, the crazy things we did, that special bond that was created from spending so much time together. I miss my pieces, I wish I could perform them again. I miss that feeling of satisfaction when I know I've done my character justice. I really learnt so much from the experience... I wouldn't have changed a second of that entire month. It has ultimately shown me that if I really flunk out of As, there are always alternative career choices available to me: makeup artist, furniture mover, painter, designer.... haha. AND that I should really just get that blasted sex-change.

Wishful thinking kim.

It's funny how after all this time, you still affect me in the weirdest of ways. It's been bugging me...but it's okay. I'm going to just ignore it all, to just shelve it all away. No use holding on to even more negative thoughts. I swear I'm really losing it.

On a totally unrelated note,
I wish Tamim would stop sending me random texts.
It's really getting a bit too creepy for me to handle.

Please make this headache go away with some sleep.
PLEASE.

xxxkim