Okay, so you yelled at me across the dinner table.
I hope you feel better now.

I have come to the strange realisation that every time I find some good piece of literature or theatre to digest, something goes wrong.

But to be honest, I don't give a damn because, I get to experience a whole load of other things on top of the anguish and annoyance I feel from them. And when that happens, I really isn't as bad as it seems cause I'm riding on the euphoria of doing my work and everything else. What I depend on to keep going right now? It's my love for theatre and the smaller things in life. Those moments of undiluted happiness from discovering something wonderful. The positive moments of each day, and the happy seconds of each hour. I'm struggling to be someone I can love and live with. I'm struggling with myself. And as angst-filled and awful (not to mention cringe-worthy) as I make my life out to be, I really don't want to care about what anyone else thinks about it... They don't want to bother understanding plus, it shouldn't matter at this point in time.


Warning: rant ahead that is semi-relevant to what's been previously posted.

I don't look like I'm doing anything for my A levels sis?
You talk as if you know what's going on. You don't even ask...

How the hell would you know?

Look, I'm the one who bloody follows you on your retail therapy, when you feel like shit in school and need someone to rant to, I'm always bloody there. It wouldn't kill you to stop judging me like gran does... And be there for me too. Scoffing at me when I had my breakup, rolling your eyes at me when I tell you what's happening in school, disliking my friends instantly, fuck man. I don't do that shit to you. I was there every damn time you felt down. We are entirely different people but how is it that when I need you to be there, you can't be that sister to just hold me in your arms and tell me it'll be okay? Is it really that hard to be just a little bit more accommodating to my feelings once in a while?

After all, we actually spend time together. I thought: surely jie should understand a bit more than them?
Cause really, it's not what you say that burns me, it's more of the fact that you really just don't want to understand or move out of your bubble that is "your way of dealing with things". Your whole attitude of: If you don't like the way I do it, screw you cause I don't care, can only get you so far with people.

So, no, I really don't take your words into account... Not at this point, because as awful as my TONE may be, at least I show that I care. Cause if i died tomorrow, I can safely say that even though I wasn't the most active player in this family, I was the one who bothered to pull everything in. That I truly and honestly love you as my sister and that I would do anything to make sure that you're happy. I just wish you would do the same for me.

Like mum said,
Take it as a practice tool for the future. After all, you will be criticised....
Plus,Jie is very different, she's very emotional, she just acts strong...
yadda yadda yadda.

I'm sick of hearing that cause obviously, I know that,
but it doesn't make it right.
You're not the older sister I can look up to for support and love. Cause it's days like these when I wonder if you even want me in this family. Cause I've been riding on this path of negativity and what I show you at home, is entirely different from what I'm feeling.You of all people should know that is like.

I'm numb from all of this now.
Your yelling,
Your O.C.D nature.

It's nothing now.
And that's what I truly believe.

Funniest things is,

I can't stop loving you, 
shit.

xxxkim